When you're drunk, you lean every way

If you have been following this blog for a while, you have probably come to certain conclusions about me, allowing you to paint a mental picture of the man who is KP.  Aside from the obvious godlike physique, unerring fashion sense, sword, and accompanying choir of scantily-clad feminine angels, you most likely have come to think you know my personality and tendencies.

At least this level of awesome.

From the easy jokes I drop about Limbaugh, Bush, God, and "the Man," you might well assume I am a dyed-in-the-wool, uncompromising liberal, a left-wing pinko kook with pie-in-the-sky notions and a dim view of reality.  *Insert over-the-top caricature of a liberal that I could not find on Google, weirdly.*  And in terms of actual politics, I admittedly skew blue.  But when it comes to my world-perspective?  Your feeble mind has no doubt forgotten how I outright advocated ass-kicking to stop bullying, blatantly idolize Captain America, and actively oppose political correctness at any opportunity.  It's not my fault conservatives just make better targets in general.

Ahem.

Truth to tell, there are plenty of liberal stances, practices, and vocal dipshits that raise my blood-pressure just as much as right-wing dumbassery.  I am an equal-opportunity critic, and I call 'em as I see 'em.

So we may as well start with the more obvious bullshit, right?  I hate what I have come to dub Yippie Trends.  These are, in the most general of terms, fads that seem like hippies must have come up with them on some drug-fueled bender, only to have them adopted and spread by yuppies, the perennial clueless fuckwits of American society.  Eager to conform, mindless in their pursuit of the Next Big Thing, they will latch onto anything, leech-like, and make it their own without the slightest attempt to understand what the hell they are doing.  This ranges from propounding the superiority of anything "organic" (read: brownish and/or cardboard-like), to deciding, sans medical consultation, that they are acutely allergic to wheat gluten (which, by the way, is not the same thing as intolerance, which, by the way, only afflicts a minuscule percentage of humanity), to breastfeeding their offspring until child protective services intervenes.

I live in a world where this is a thing?  Really, God?

I mean, in all seriousness, look at the image above.  That.  Is.  Disgusting.  It is not a matter of opinion, let alone medically justifiable.  And the first person who breathes the word "natural" gets a frontal lobe adjustment, courtesy of my electrified knuckles.  Tell me 20 years ago most Americans would not have said, "Um, excuse me, what the almighty flying fuck is this about?"  Now, however, we have become desensitized to improbable feats of anything-goes dipshittery that do not so much fly in the face of common sense as chloroform it, bend it over a hazardous waste skip in a Bangkok alley, violate it, then blow a gonorrheal load in common sense's unconscious face.   Case in point?  Most people can see this cover on a reputable national magazine and laugh it off, if they don't take it seriously. I cannot do either.  I am not being prudish about the bizarre indecency, I am the fool pointing out the emperor has no clothes.  The fact that this cover was published at all is sad enough; the fact I have to point out that it is mind-fuckingly ludicrous borders on criminal.

This child-rearing style - and, yes, we have styles of those now, not just philosophies - is called attachment parenting, and its entire purpose is, as the name suggests, to make your kids attached to you, "attached" here meaning "codependent and most likely maladjusted to society."  There are easier ways to keep them living in your basement into their late-20s, ladies.  Simply introduce them to Dungeons & Dragons and MMPOs at a young age.  Then again, they will achieve pariah status pretty quickly when they tell their horrified fourth-grade buddies that they "just got off the nip" three years ago, so the consequent social stigma should force them back into your loving arms faster than you can say "Oedipus complex."

Then there is vegetarianism.  In theory, I have no problem with this choice.  You don't want to eat meat, fine.  If the thought of cuddly cud-chewing bovines bleeding turns your stomach, go ahead and abstain. You are doing so solely to placate your own conscience.  And that's A-OK by me.  But before you get up on your soapbox, let's make a few things clear: (1) what you are doing is not inherently healthier, nor (2) is it "more natural" than a balanced diet.  Strand a human being in the butt-fuck wilderness and see what it eats to survive - that's our natural diet.  Animals eat other animals, plain and simple.  For the love of the Mouse, even The Lion King conceded this point-blank, in a world where half the sentient, talking, lovable characters would devour each other.

Classic.  Yeah, I'm man enough to admit I like Disney cartoons, what of it?  Notice how they all just kind of drop the subject without further comment?  In their world, there are no easy answers, so they have to carry on and pretend the incredibly disturbing scenario that would have happened if Simba had shown up five seconds later never occurred to them.  If the fauna all around me sang, danced, and made witty pop culture references willy-nilly, I would feel a lot more conflicted about them dying to feed me.  But here's the thing: they don't.

Keep it classy, PETA.  And sexually-confusing.

Honestly, is the above image supposed to conjure up subconscious cannibalistic impulses or bestial ones?  Good message, either way.  Anyhow, my point is this: Is consuming two McDeathables five days a week normal and healthy?  No, of course not.  But is it less-natural than subsisting on soy imitations of meat products and half a dozen supplements?  Not much.  As far as I have read, there is no substantial statistical evidence that vegetarians on the whole live longer, healthier lives than people with inclusive, well-balanced diets (not the average American's diet).  This is not to say I haven't enjoyed many a delectable vegetarian meal myself, but we homo sapiens have canine teeth for a reason, people.   There are obviously ways to be very healthy-conscious while maintaining a vegetarian diet.  It certainly beats a meat-exclusive diet, despite what the United Carnivores' Council of America may tell you (it consists mostly of uppity lions, wolves, and Ted Nugent fans).  The problem is that many people are under the illusion that going vegetarian is health-conscious in and of itself.  Simply by avoiding meat, they proclaim, you can enjoy immortality in peak physical condition from atop your moral high horse of self-righteous sagacity.

Or, y'know, the food chain.  Either way.

Well, guess what?  You have to plan this shit out.  You have to compensate for the vitamins, minerals, and other nutrients you're not getting from meat-products one way or another, either by learning a certified ass-load of information about the content of non-bleeding food or popping lots of supplemental pills.  You want to eat half a pound of peanuts per day to get your protein intake up?  Knock yourself out.  I have enough on my mind without thinking about the precise nutritional value of everything I shove in my craw.  While I will admit there are some exceptions, do a quick mental sketch of the average vegetarian.  Robust?  Rosy-cheeked?  Able to lift that sack of lentils they will subsist on for two weeks?  Once more, I will defer to my colleague, the eminent social commentator Ronald White.

Have you ever seen a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look like shit! They're all gaunt and yellow. After a while, their bodies become intolerant of other things. I'll give you an example: I was out to lunch with a comedian friend of mine, and later in the day he said, and I quote, "I feel nauseous and I have a headache. That soup I had must have had beef broth in it." Your system's kickin' back broth? You're a manly man, aren't you?

Sad but true.  Most of them have 5% body-fat and they can run, and that's about it.  They'll go like the fucking Energizer bunny, at least until the anemia sets in.  For contrast, I can bench-press my own body-weight 15 times, without regular weight-lifting, and most of my major muscle groups are apparent, not because I have no flesh to speak of, but because they actually stand out.  *Insert LMFAO-inspired joke here.*  Carrots and tofu did not do this.

As usual, I side with Cap on principle, but Deadpool is kinda how I feel inside.
*NOTE: I did not make up those captions, I just cleaned them up.  Really.

On a side note, you vegetarians out there have to realize what would happen if we all suddenly bought into your paradigm.  Millions upon millions of cows, pigs, chickens, and sheep would first overrun the world, then starve to death over the course of an agonizing few months, barring a spontaneous evolutionary event, a Planet of the Livestock, if you will.  Either way, they all die, so I think I am doing my civic duty as the apex predator of planet Earth, albeit vicariously.  As for vegans . . . you're just doing it to piss me off.  Stop it.  Kind of like activists who enjoy drenching unsuspecting meat-eaters in blood.

In fact, that brings me to my next point.  While protesting is actually a method of mass-annoyance used by all sides, I believe it is most-closely associated with the left-wing, probably because when people hear the word "protest," this springs to mind:

Patchouli, not showers.

Protesting is one of those things I have mixed feelings about, but one of those feelings is definitely please-get-a-goddamned-life in tenor.  On the one hand, protests like those of the angry, active citizen's heyday - the 1960s and early '70s that Dr. Hunter S. Thompson lauded - clearly helped achieve a lot, from expanded civil rights to America's withdrawal from Vietnam.  You know, after the fire-hosings and thousands of casualties.  Still, kudos, for sure.  Conversely, just last year we had Occupy . . . Anything, a surprisingly broad-based, widespread, months-long series of loosely-connected rallies, marches, and sit-ins that championed, by its own definition, the overwhelming majority of America's populace.  As mostly represented by wannabe hippies, lemming-like yippies, posturing hipsters, and confused hobos.  Which achieved precisely jack-shit.

Down with stuff we don't like!  We want more other things!

I hate to be the one to say it, but the main thing we got out of the Occupy movement was the term "the 99%."  A buzzword.  A few memes.  That's about it.  A sizable, very vocal proportion of the masses stood up for the rest of us and declared to the powers that be, "We want something new!"  And the powers that be said, "Oh, yeah?  Well, fuck you."  That was the end of that.  So, I think the last shred of faith I had in protesting as a facilitator of change died at that point.

It was already on life-support, admittedly.  As an example, I am going to bring up the bogeyman, the white elephant of casual, non-politicized blogging: abortion.  I am not weighing in on the subject itself, nor disparaging any particular views on the issue.  Seriously, though, the people who protest this are just sad.  You are passionately committed to your cause?  Great.  Go do something that actually furthers it.  Believe it or not, most pro-choice people, and even neutral parties, are aware that there is an opposition to abortion already.  It gets the occasional news coverage.

In my town, the unmarked but universally-recognized abortion clinic typically has between 1 and 11 (but never more than 12) people standing outside of it on the sidewalk silently touting signs.  Way to go, active citizenry, you are really striking a bold blow for your ideals.  Just keep standing there for another few months and the institution you oppose will surely crumble.  The same could be said of most causes, on either side of the fence.  If marches and incoherent chants make you feel better, protest away, but unless you plan to light yourself on fire, understand that most of the people in charge are just waiting for the rabble of easily-led nut-jobs outside to disperse, à la any South Park town hall scene.

Since we are talking collective action and the Occupy campaign, let's take a moment to address the economic models liberals love to wax intellectual about.

I never realized it was so simple!  Thank you, not-John-Nash-Junior!

First off, we need to make some semantic distinctions here: capitalism is purely an economic system, communism is both an economic system and a form of government, and socialism is what lies somewhere in the gray space between.  None of them are, as a rule, mutually exclusive of one another, despite what Bill O'Reilly or Bill Mahr might tell you.  Want proof?  I refer you to the example of any country anywhere on planet Earth in the history of ever.  None exists as a pure model of its respective proclaimed preference.  Much as all men know all women, especially hot ones, are bisexual on some level.

I submit my irrefutable evidence.  And that Katy Perry song.  (Don't ruin it for me.)

But I digress.  Just because you are not fabulously wealthy does not mean capitalism "doesn't work."  Don't get me wrong, I hate corporate greed and corruption, the disproportionate wealth distribution in this country, and the way the system is rigged to perpetuate the status quo as much as the next dirty, starry-eyed liberal.  But I am not under the delusion that capitalism itself is out to get us.  It works just the way it is supposed to - the problem is the way it works is kind of meant to screw over some people.  But it is a very human system that plays on human mindsets and tendencies, so naturally some parts of it suck donkey testes.  That was basically the thesis of one of my numerous papers in college, slightly better-worded and less-blunt, and I got an A on it, so you can message me if you want to read the long and roundabout version.

They smile because they know death is coming coon.

Capitalism is as capitalism does.  It is human nature, and anyone who denies it can give up their iFollow 5.0 DS.  In fact, if you are out tagging street signs with sociopolitical agendas, odds are you are mostly pissed off that Daddy made you drive his used Acura instead of that brand new hybrid you really wanted.  You are not a communist or an anarchist any more than I am the Easter Bunny or Carson the Flag Day Aardvark.

However, on the flip side, communism is not a devious instrument of the Fallen One either.  It never ceases to amaze me how people still let leftover Cold War propaganda inform their view of the modern world (*coughDickCheneycough*).  If you are one of those people, catch a ride on the clue train: we won.  It's over.  Not because the USA churned out more pants-shitting nukes, not because Ronald "the Messiah" Reagan cleverly outmaneuvered Gorbachev in the international superpowered pissing contest, but because communism isn't a viable form of government.  Especially when your bloc's main domestic industries are snow, vodka, and forms of insanity.

In point of fact, communism might actually work out great, if it weren't for the pesky humans running it, who have a bad habit of turning into James Bond villains.  Just ask North Korea, Cuba, or China, the only countries that still claim to be communist, even though it's pretty obvious one comrade isn't equal to another in any of those places.  But we aren't going to become those countries, even if we decide to, Red-White-and-Blue God forbid, socialize medical care.  This is not something to fear and bemoan and demonize.  No matter your opinion, all sides need to make like a pole-vaulter and get over it.

A sexy pole-vaulter, for preference.

While we are on the subject of things hippies like to whine about . . .

I am fully in support of a careful, progressive, well-regulated decriminalization of marijuana.  Do you know why?  Not because of the sinful waste of tax money and civil servants' time, not because of the bajillion pot-related cases clogging the court system and resulting in overcrowded prisons.  Certainly not because I give a skeevy stoner's munchie-induced fart about the moral/ethical ramifications of punishing people for smoking down.  It's because I am sick of hearing "cannabis enthusiasts" bitch and moan about it like it's goddamned slavery.  What kind of society would stop us from smoking weed?  What is this, Nazi Germany?  Next, they'll be rounding us up and shoving us into rehab centers at gunpoint!  Shut the hell up.

There, have I offended everyone now?

There are worse things happening than the Man slapping a joint out of your hand.  And stop trying to dress it up in other terms, oh righteously baked ones.  You want marijuana legalized because you want to legally smoke marijuana, period.  You are not trying to rectify some obscure form of racial injustice, revive the long-suppressed hemp industry, selflessly help cancer and AIDS victims, or save the fucking world via ganja-magic.  You want to get blazed and sit around moronically laughing at nothing with your buddies.  Nonsmokers can cite those other reasons.  End of story.

This does not qualify as a talking point.

It is not a "lifestyle choice," it's a habitual indulgence, not that different from drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes, no matter what you keep telling yourself.  None of these quasi-arguments holds any water with anyone other than your own circle (pun, like, totally intended, man).  If you want to smoke weed, that is your prerogative, but stop pretending it is some sort of noble crusade.  And, for the love of Jay and Silent Bob, stop reading High Times, it does nothing to help your case.

All right, so this article may not have turned out quite as right-leaning as I intended at the get-go.  Just as murder will out, true colors will show.  If you don't like it, feel free to orally service a copious quantity of male genitalia.  After all, we didn't create the Internet for you, rednecks.  A followup on this topic may be forthcoming, depending on how much I want to polarize my readership.  Stay tuned . . .

KP, out.

Medium Celebrity Hairstyles

Celebrity hairstyles are not as difficult to achieve as you think them to be. In fact with a little bit of effort and imagination on your part you can have these celebrity hairstyles right from the cool confines of your home.

Whether it is the latest Jennifer Aniston style that you are looking for or the hairstyle of Paris Hilton that you need to copy, you can create them and that too even without a personal hairstylist.

You can in fact duplicate most of the celebrity hairstyles by using a quality hair straightening iron. Using a bit of imagination is perhaps the secret to a good hairstyle. The good old hit and trial method would work in the case of hairstyles too. You should constantly try different styles. Even a seemingly small alteration such as parting your hair from left to right can have a dramatic effect on how you look.

The shape of your face will dictate your hairstyle to a very large extent. For instance those with heart shaped faces will always look good with chin length hair or any type of long hairstyle for that matter. In fact most of the celebrity hairstyles look good since a lot of thought has gone behind them.

The personal stylists of celebrities often try out different styles based on the facial features of these celebrities before arriving at a particular hairstyle. Whether it is Jennifer Lopez or Brad Pitt, or for that matter any celebrity, they look good in their respective hairstyles because the particular style suits their face.

The trend these days is towards more loosened hairstyles. Many celebrity hairstyles are based on this trend nowadays. With the right cut, almost anyone can look as beautiful as a celebrity. The best way to go about it would be to have a particular celebrity whose face closely resembles your face's shape, as a role model.

This way you can try out the hairstyles of that particular celebrity. Another alternate way would be to visit any of the virtual hairstyle websites over the internet. You can upload your photo at these websites and try out different hairstyles on your photo. This would give you a good idea about which particular hairstyle suits you or not.

Short hairstyles also seem to have made a comeback among celebrities these days. From Mandy Moore to Charlize Theron, everyone seems to be sporting short hairstyles these days. Mid -length hairstyles of Cameron Diaz and Jessica Simpson are also just as popular nowadays. With so many hairstyle options available, all that you need to do is to look for one that best suits the shape of your face and go for it.

Medium Length Hairstyles

The year 2012 has seen some of the great hairstyles on women for the medium hair length. Medium hair length is the best for working as well as non working women as it needs care but not that much.

You can experiment with them endlessly and enjoy with different hairstyles whenever you wish to. To get a trendy, classic and a chic haircut , take a look at these medium length hairstyles.

Remember the TV series "Friends"? If yes, then you might also remember the famous Jennifer Aniston haircut which is admired endlessly. This hairstyle is called shag; that looks amazing in mid hair length. This hairdo has defined ends and the bangs are split in the front keeping in mind the hair type. This gives you a well defined style and hair volume. This kind of cut suits slim face.

If you are tired of plain hair and wish to do something freaky to your hair to give it volume and a well defined look, then try this one out. This cut can suit any face type and so is the most preferred hairstyle among other medium length hairstyles. Your hairdresser would give you the blunt cut that can suit your personality.

Now this hairstyle is classic and can never go out of fashion. So if you are fashion conscious and want to be really safe, then try this one out. This gives your hair a great texture and bangs added to it can give an ultra gorgeous look. This look is given without much chopping of hair and suits round face type.

Mid hair length is the length where so many variations can be done to your cut and this season, getting a freaky cut is most in.

Try these medium length hairstyles! Discover the most flattering hairdos for your face by undergoing a hair makeover online. It is advisable to know your face type before taking up any haircut.

Popular Emo Hairstyles

Although often applied just to music like My Chemical Romance or Fallout Boy, the term "emo" means much more than a style of music. Emo is a culture, a style, a vibe. And a big part of that culture is the look, including emo hairstyles. But just what is this hairstyle? And how do you achieve this highly desired look?

Obviously, there are going to be some differences in emo hairstyles between guys and girls. One similarity is the color. Almost all people in the emo scene have black hair or at least very dark hair. But while that might sound a little boring or conformist, you can give your style its own special spark with a splash of color. Hot pink, yellow, white, blue, green - any of these colors can be added to the hair to make a more vivid and personal expression of your personality.

The styles also vary. In general, girls wear their hair longer. Boys wear their hair longer as well, although not as long as girls. Having your hair or possibly just your bangs covering part of your face is also part of many emo hairstyles.

Wanting emo hairstyles for yourself and getting them can be two totally different things. Although the styles are meant to look haphazardly created, they do require skill. Let's just say you wouldn't want your best friend coming at you with a pair of scissors to create this look. Sadly, not all hair stylists are going to be knowledgeable about these styles either. You might ask for emo hairstyles and walk out looking like someone's grandmother.

The good news is you can often do the style you want all by yourself if you have the right styling products. You might want a professional to do the coloring part for you or you can do this on your own, too.

First, you're going to need to be working with wet hair. You can do this right after a shower for the best results. Styling products stick best on clean hair.

Second, take a generous amount of a hair gel and use your fingers to work it into your hair. Now use your hands to create whatever style you want. You can practice different looks and be as creative as you want. There is no set emo hairstyles that you must follow here.

Once you're happy with the style you've created, you can blow dry your hair. This will help the gel stiffen and will keep your style in place. Then you can add some hairspray to hold the style all day.

Emo hairstyles, as you can see, are not hard to achieve. But to get the best results, you may want to see a stylist and have it cut in a flattering way that will also make at-home styling easier. Layering long hair, for example, makes it easier to create different looks with the gel.

Popular Short Hairstyles part 1

Many men prefer to wear shorter hair because it can take years off their appearance. Below are some examples of short hairstyles favored by men who want to look younger than they are.

Traditional crew cuts involve cutting all of the hair to less than ¼ inch in length. Created by military barbers as a way to control lice infestations, crew cuts have been shown to make many men appear to be up to 10 years younger than their actual age.

The very short hair tends to give a sort of "baby faced" appearance when the man is clean shaven.

High and tight is another popular hair style for men. This hairstyle involves cutting the sides and back of the hair very short, while leaving the top slightly longer. This haircut is favored by men who do not wish to look quite so boyish. The longer hair on top may be combed to the side.

The traditional flattop is another popular short style. The sides and back are cut as with a crew cut while the top is left about twice as long and shaped to form a flat area on top of the head. Made popular in the 1950s, this hair style is still common and is considered appropriate for men in many different professions.

Popular Short Hairstyles

A woman's hair is one of the most forgiving characteristics about herself; it is one that she can easily change and redefine to invent new looks for herself and to keep reinventing new looks with time. And this is one of the few things that she can change about her own physical appearance that doesn't take more than a few minutes to accomplish and doesn't cost much money.

In addition, the changes that a woman makes to her hair are never permanent, so even if she does not like the finished look, haircuts can always grow out and hairstyles can always be re-done. The short haircut is a very chic look that has become very fashionable among the teenagers and even older and more mature women. Some of the popular and fashionable hairstyles for short hair will be discussed herein.

One of the most popular short haircuts among teenagers and young women is the layered haircut. More and more of the younger women and teenagers alike are choosing the layered haircut over any other because it is most easy to maintain. In addition, the layered haircut is one that can be easily worn the same way for a formal event as for a casual event without being out of place - the short layered haircut can in fact be either flipped out or flipped inwards.

Either effect has the same though - they are both chic and fashionable and can be adjusted to suit any event. The layered hair flipped inwards creates a more sophisticated look that some of the more mature women would prefer, whereas the flipped out hairstyle for those with short layers creates a trendy and hip look.

Another of the favorite hairstyles worn by young women and teenagers with short hair would be the bobbed haircut. This haircut can be worn with layers, bangs or highlights to create the soft but feminine touch to what would otherwise be a severe look.

The bob can also be cut asymmetrical to create a hairstyle that is funky but nonetheless feminine. Another alteration of the bob haircut with a soft feminine approach is the A-line bob hairstyle; flipped inwards to create a sophisticated look with a futuristic appeal.

The mature woman however will neither go for the flipped out short hairstyle nor the A-line bobbed hairstyle. Instead she looks for a hairstyle for her hair that is conservative but not severe; trendy but not flamboyant; manageable but not plain. The short bob with a high crown and low side is ideal for the mature woman with the long thin face.

This hairstyle however is softened by a side path and a simple bang that just teases over the forehead or at the side of the face. Highlights and side burns are other creative modifications that the mature woman could choose to incorporate into her short hairstyle.