I love my job

I work at a casual dining restaurant where I serve and tend bar, much to my chagrin.  For the protection of parties both innocent and guilty, and to avoid getting fired and/or sued, I will not say which one or where.  If there is one thing I learned in five years of college, racking up some $29,000 in student debt, it's that you don't need even a GED to serve.  However, it there is one thing I have learned from serving, it is that the average human being is an annoying, unobservant, selfish, impossibly stupid creature.

Actual interactions I have had/witnessed with customers:

Customer: (pointing at menu item labeled 'Chicken Fajitas') These chicken fajitas, are they beef?

Me: (stare for approximately two seconds to determine whether she is joking, giving her ample opportunity to either laugh and/or correct herself, then stare for another two seconds as I realize she is not joking and my brain threatens to implode) Nope, (pointing at the item, with particular emphasis on the 'chicken') it's chicken.

Customer: Oh, ok.

****

Taking a to-go order over the phone from someone who is trying to find out just how late she can pick up her food (ie. just before we lock the doors for the night).

Customer: Do you have zucchini fries or anything?

Me: (struggling not to burst out, “What the fuck are zucchini fries?”) Uh, no, they're just regular.

****

Another to-go order, at the dinner rush, during one of the busiest days our restaurant has seen in weeks.

Customer: You have ribs?

Me: (mildly irritated that they would call with such woeful knowledge of the menu, right when I have three people asking me to help get food and drinks to roughly seven different tables) Yes, we do.

Customer: How much do those cost?

Me: (growing more impatient as people yell for help, remembering that my own guests have not seen me for at least five minutes) About 17 dollars for a full rack.

Customer: Ok, so do they come with sides?

Me: (feeling an aneurism coming on, as indicated by the throbbing blood vessel right behind my twitching left eye) Yup, any two sides (bearing in mind that we offer eight or nine different sides).

Customer: So what are my choices?

Me: I'm very sorry, but everyone who answers the phone is a server with tables. We are extremely busy right now. If you go to our website, you can read our entire menu, and even order online if you want. Sorry. Goodbye. *click*

****

Customer: Do you have Mellow Yellow?

Me: No, sorry.

Customer: You had it last time.

Me: Maybe at another location, but not here. I've been here almost three years.

Customer: Oh (looking confused).

****

Customer: Blah-blah-blah-inane-bullshit.

Their Child (which is gender-neutral and resembles Gollum, from Lord of the Rings): *using its mother's cell phone as a pestle and the cracker-caddy as a mortar, grinding the saltines contained therein to dust*

Me: Yeah (numb, staring at this blatant display of child mismanagement).

Later . . .

Their Child: *choking on something, coughing, only furthering its resemblance to Gollum*

Me: (since its parents seem oblivious) Hey, buddy, you all right?

Their Child: *instantly stops coughing and eyes me warily, a strange look on its face*

Me: (restraining the urge to burst into laughter, as the toddler now looks more like Gollum than ever) All right, I'll be right back.

More to come, I can promise, sadly.